My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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