I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize