if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize