the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
