if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize