Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
