then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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