I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Boobs are out for the taking
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize