I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
