i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
