Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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