watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
