Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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