Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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