It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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