I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
