I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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