you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
