I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
