Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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