just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Randomize
