Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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