Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
