You're completely useless in the revolution.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
