Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
