Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Randomize
