You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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