Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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