i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
