my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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