This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
