dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
