Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
