i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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