dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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