Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You made out with two different species that night
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize