I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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