Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
