god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
