guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
