I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
