he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize