Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize