i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
