Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
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