She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
