i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
