I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
