3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Randomize