I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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