and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
