I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
