I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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