Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
